"Rock Band" came out two weeks ago. For the low-low price of $170, you and a few friends can play some of the best songs ever in front of thousands of screaming fans. But all you're really doing is simulating the act of playing songs in front of no one. It's okay if you fail. The "boos" aren't real, and with enough practice, you're pretty much guaranteed success; well worth $170.
Of course, if that doesn't float your boat, you could always play World of Warcraft - a massively multiplayer online world much more colorful than the real one. You don't ever have to worry about dying; that's what resurrection stones are for! You can roam in groups without ever leaving your living room, and if you wipe, you can just yell at your teammates.
It's okay. You're protected by the anonymity of the Internet, so you'll never have to see their faces when you tell them how horrible they are. I've got a level 70 Minotaur Warlock. He's much cooler than I am.
The anonymity also protects you at sporting events. You can flip off the refs, insult the players and scream for the coaches to be fired without anyone ever knowing it was you - consequence-free jackassery! If your team wins, you can celebrate and high five and hug everyone around you and say "We did it! We won!" If you lose, there's always next year (sound familiar?), and nothing fills up water-cooler conversation like mutual hatred of the rival team.
Besides, athletes make too much money to have feelings.
Celebrities also have too much money, but I have my favorites regardless. I can read their bios in "People" and learn everything about them. And I can get angry whenever they say something that conflicts with my beliefs. The best part is that no matter what I say, they'll never know. In fact, they can't hurt me a single bit. And I never have to schedule time for a coffee date. It's all the perks of friendship without ever being let down.
I also have friends on Facebook - 398 right now. I make sure to leave witty messages on their walls (it's like having a conversation!) and to browse their photo albums (it's like being there!). I can get to know people without ever really talking to them. It's glorious.
And when I'm bored, I can carefully select my quotations to present the "me" that I want my Facebook friends to see. The worst thing they can do is refuse to poke me back.
Of course, if I ever took my iPod out when I was walking to or from class, or even in class, I might get the chance to get to know these people on a personal level and maybe talk with them in real life. But I like it better when I can control all of the noises that come into my ears. It means that nothing ever challenges me unless I want it to. That's what "Rock Band" is for, right?
It doesn't matter, though. I'm only in class for the grades. If I get that GPA up high enough, I'll get a good job (measured in salary dollars), which will then let me work according to the salary I want.
The job will suck, but what job doesn't these days?
If I earn enough, I might just have enough money to do something fun on the weekends, like drink beer and watch football with some of "the guys." The football lets us share an experience without having to put any actual effort in. Shared experiences create bonding, or in this case, manly bonding.
The beer lets us dull away the parts of our lives that make us unhappy. Like the crappy job. Or the lack of real friendships. Or even the gnawing realization that, no matter how hard we try, the amount of control we actually have over our lives is infinitesimal, at best.
So long as we insulate ourselves from anything that could hurt us, from anything that could make us unhappy, from anything that reminds us that the world isn't always a friendly place, we're safe, right?
So long as we reduce the number of things that we care about to those things that don't matter, like sports or GPA or even the thread count of our comforters (because that's all those things are: comforters), we'll be fine, right?
That's the American dream, isn't it? Security above everything else? And if we're never put in situations that challenge us, we'll never be forced to confront those inadequacies they assured us in elementary school didn't exist. "You're a special child, and you can be anything you want! Nothing will ever hold you back!"
We can keep on convincing ourselves that we're perfect and that we deserve the world more than every other bastard brought up the same way we were. We won't ever have to take that long hard look in the mirror and wonder, "What the hell did I do with my life?"
We won't ever be hurt.
Keep the earphones in. Limit your social interactions to World of Warcraft and Facebook pokes. Only celebrate the things that don't matter in the end, like touchdowns and A+'s. Move to the suburbs and keep your kids in your fenced backyard. Don't read the newspaper; it'll remind you that your car isn't really in that bad of shape when you consider all the wars and famines halfway around the world.
Remember, you're a special and wonderful person, and you deserve everything the world has to offer you. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
Don't ever let anyone challenge something you believe. It might force you to change. And your happiness is too important for that, right?
Right?
Andrew Ek is a senior secondary education major. Reach him at andrewek@dailynebraskan.com.
