STAFF ED: Don’t be one of Halloween’s victims

Halloween is this weekend. Yes, that means it's time to break out the candy and slutty costumes. But there's a serious discussion to be had before the partying begins, and it isn't about drinking responsibly. It's about surviving.

According to a number of noted studies, Americans in the college age bracket are the most likely to encounter survival horror situations, and the number of those situations skyrockets during the Halloween season. Be it by schizophrenic innkeepers, deranged psychopaths or vengeful spirits, the likelihood that you or someone you know will be violently accosted this weekend is exceptionally high.

Such violent encounters can make years of counseling necessary, and in some situations have resulted in sequels. Luckily, there are guidelines that can be followed to make sure you and your loved ones make it through another Oct. 31.

First, and this can't be stressed enough – stay in good physical shape during the harvest holiday season. Too many teens every year are slaughtered needlessly when they can't keep up the pace on late-night chases through forests. Obesity is an epidemic in America, but remember – you only have to be faster than your slowest friend. And if you're dressing up in costume to attend a party, have a pair of sneakers handy just in case.

Likewise, good car maintenance is as important as physical health in October. Whether it's making sure the battery is charged, the gas tank is full, and the engine is devoid of spirits, or just checking the back seat frequently, auto care is a must.

There are other tips to keep in mind, too – most are matters of common sense. Never walk backward when you're inspecting a vacant house. Always know what weapons you have and where your exits are. If you're driving somewhere, don't take back roads. Never split into groups. And never say you'll be right back. You won't.

It's also probably asking for trouble to take a shower for the time being. Yes, you'll stink and be less attractive, but that's OK; if you know one thing about surviving horror season, it should be you never have sex. The merits of abstinence-only education are usually debatable, but not on Halloween. Keep it in your pants, kids.

Just a few more. Avoid parties on ancient burial grounds. When it comes to the undead, aim high. Never underestimate creepy children. And if your girlfriend is having trouble with a demon, don't taunt it; just get out of there. And at all costs, remember two words: double tap.

Remember, arming yourself with knowledge and good sense can be just as important as arming yourself with a machete and a 12-gauge. Follow these simple tips and with luck, you can save your own life and maybe even get the girl (though it really depends on whether you're a supporting character or not).