SANFORD: Pacifism springs from active wills

It is times like these I am very glad I've had years of practice at this sort of thing, not traveling or hanging around my family, but being a dedicated pacifist.

Most of the people in our society look upon pacifism as weak, cowardly and, well, passive. But I can tell you for a fact that it is anything but that. If you've ever been angry enough to kick a whole in the wall or strike another living creature, just think of what that's like and then imagine trying to control that impulse.

There's nothing passive about it.

Pacifism takes a strong and active force of will. I have to pay attention to what things set me off, make me angry or frustrated or scared, look for triggers and notice and anticipate my standard behavior. Then I have to work to change that behavior. Sometimes it's like trying to head off a hurricane, but most days I only need a gentle reminder.

The reason I am a pacifist is simple: I don't want to hurt anyone. It springs from a compassion for every living thing. I want all living beings to be healthy and happy.

It seems simplistic and entirely too Pollyanna, but it is a genuine and deep desire. And it always begs the question of what I would do if someone was trying to hurt me or hurt others.

Well, my first instinct is to beat the crap out of them. I'm stubborn, ornery, contrary and combative. Someone knocks me down, and I come up swinging.

A few weeks ago a guy rushed me on O Street. I was riding in the bicycle lane down 11th, and I saw him a block away slightly in front of his group of buddies. We made eye contact, and as I came into the intersection, he rushed me like he was going to knock me off my bike and bust me up.

The look on his face when I merely narrowed my eyes and rolled on by without so much as flinching or changing stride, forcing him to jerk a half-foot to my left, would have been comical if it hadn't been so damned sad. He chose the wrong chick to try to scare for kicks.

Later I thought to myself that perhaps that wasn't the smartest thing I could have done. But if he'd been serious? I'd have come up off the concrete and lived up to that axiom about the fight in the dog.

I'm not a good pacifist. I bite, scratch, punch, kick, and know how to use my elbows, knees and vocal chords to good effect. I tend to smack first and apologize later. I growl at people on a regular basis.

This weekend when my father tried to throw me in the ocean, my fist made a solid crack on his sternum in response.

The only sports I've ever been interested in are combat sports. I fenced for five years. (Yes, with a sword.) I had a reputation as a vicious infighter who wasn't afraid to trade bruises. I've dabbled in karate and judo. I know how to shoot pistols, rifles, and shotguns.

I'm a pacifist, after all, not a victim. If you want my money you can have it, but I won't allow myself or others to be hurt if I can do anything about it.

But it's not easy. We're a predator species, hardwired for violence, both against animals and against each other. It takes vigilance and will to commit to nonviolence.

In the end, I believe it's worth it because I also know one other thing – we're all interconnected.

I don't mean in some kind of mystical karmic way, or even in the divine justice sort of way, just the plain old I hurt you, you hurt me kind of way. Suffering creates more suffering.

We all want to be free of it, but we don't always know how, so at the end of a long day we go home and snap at our partner, who goes out and gets in a bar brawl that a cop has to break up and gets a busted nose for her trouble, so the next day when she pulls me over for a broken taillight I get a fine instead of a warning because her head hurts. Sounds convoluted, but I see it every day.

My dad snaps at me, and I snap back, and the whole thing escalates until everyone in the car is in a bad mood, and no one has a good time at Sea World. Or I can take a second, take a breath and respond in a reasonable tone, liberally flavored with humor. Suddenly, we all realize the score, the tension dials down, and we can enjoy the whale show.

Pacifism isn't easy. It's a choice to let negative emotions build into aggression, which leads to violence, or head them off at the pass.

People like to tell each other it's not that simple. World peace isn't going to magically spring up from nowhere. They're right.

Because pacifism isn't passive, it's active and alive and very, very hard.

But hell, if I can do it (and my surviving family can attest that it's possible), so can you.

Monica Sanford is a graduate student in Architecture and Community and Regional Planning. Reach her at monicasanford@dailynebraskan.com.