I don’t expect anyone to read this column. I don’t expect anyone to like it.
In fact, I have very few expectations in general, especially concerning other people. I can’t control other people in thought, word or deed, so expecting anything at all is generally a waste of time.
Having no expectations is actually rather freeing and has led me, perhaps counter intuitively, to lead a happier life and have better relationships.
Though it sounds like a radical philosophy, the idea that our expectations can be more harmful than helpful is, in fact, thousands of years old.
The cynics say “Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.” While this is a true statement, it is misunderstood even by the cynics who proclaim it their slogan. In the end, they do expect something – they expect to be disappointed. They grumble and grouch and generally go around proclaiming the world is crap and people are stupid, mean or both. They fail to live up to their own motto.
The ancient Greek Cynics who first adopted this philosophy would be appalled.
“Cynic” is based on the Greek word for “dog,” and the ancient Cynics generally advocated living life as a dog does, going with the flow and not getting caught up in social conventions and the drive for wealth, status or power. Cynics rightfully saw that suffering is caused by false judgments which create negative emotions and a bad attitude.
Expectations, more often than not, fall under the category of false judgments, no matter whether you expect something good or something bad.
When we expect something, there are three possible outcomes: disappointment, satisfaction or pleasant surprise.
But when we don’t expect anything at all, there is only one outcome: We are always pleasantly surprised.
So now I expect less and my relationships are stronger, deeper and happier.
When someone does something thoughtless, I don’t take it so personally. If someone does something truly heinous, I’m even more willing to call them on it, because I don’t get all wound up expecting them to hate me for it later.
When someone does something nice for me, it gives me the opportunity to feel deeply grateful, and express that gratitude, which, of course, makes the other person feel better. I don’t take it for granted. This gratitude creates a positive feedback loop.
I see the exact opposite happening all the time. My mom gets mad at my grandmother for acting irrationally. The problem isn’t so much grandma’s behavior, which everyone agrees is not going to change, as it is mom’s expectation of rational behavior from a 76-year-old woman with a recent head injury. Mom being mad at Grandma makes her less likely to visit her, which makes Grandma feel neglected and act even stranger.
I used to get mad at my mother for acting “irrationally,” (despite the fact that she had neither a head injury nor could she use age as an excuse) until I stopped expecting her to agree with me on everything. Once that happened, I wasn’t annoyed with her all the time. When I could see past my anger I began to realize there really wasn’t anything irrational about her behavior at all. My expectations had clouded my judgment.
In past relationships, I would find myself expecting people to act in certain ways – to pay attention to me when I wanted it, to laugh when I told a joke, to notice when I was being particularly nice or supportive, to enjoy the same events I enjoy. It’s clear as day now that I was setting myself up for heartache.
Over time, I started to notice that when I was angry, annoyed or mad at something stupid someone had done, it wasn’t so much the behavior that was the problem. The problem was that the scene hadn’t played out the way I had expected it to in my head (It entirely lacked theme music, for one thing).
Having no expectations doesn’t mean I go around refusing to rely on other people, never asking for help or never taking anyone at their word, because I don’t expect people to be reliable, helpful or truthful. I also don’t expect them to be unreliable, useless or liars.
It just means I am very open to anything that happens, good or bad. When bad stuff happens, I can just change direction without all the whining and bitching about how this wasn’t supposed to happen.
When good stuff happens, from my first cup of coffee in the morning to the soft bed I get to fall into at night, I can be delighted.
When you have no expectations, everything’s gravy.
Monica Sanford is a graduate student studying architecture and community and regional planning. Reach her at monicasanford@dailynebraskan.com.
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