Roommates: They take up space. They make messes. They've probably even seen you naked – it is always the one time you forget to leave the sock on the door. These people can be your worst enemy or your best friend. Whatever you may feel about them, in college, your roommates are your family, which in turn, makes them a huge pain in the posterior.
When beginning college, it is tough to control the circumstances under which you are paired with a roommate. Some of you may be able to enlist a high school pal as your bunkmate in the shoebox-sized dorm room, or you may actually get slated with someone that is not Freddy Krueger. Others are not so lucky. Those kids are screwed like The CW's fall lineup.
Even if a roommate is forced upon you, quickly evaluate the circumstances. There are three roommate types you simply have to avoid.
1. The Toolbox. For guys, it is The Toolbox. Although this sleezebag believes he is just as important as Oprah to women, he is obsessed with hanging out with his male moronic minions over anyone else. More often than not, The Toolbox will be dressed like he, Criss Angel and Jon Gosselin just had a clothing swap on a merry-go-round. And don't be surprised if he covers your room with lightly glittered denim clothing and a stack of discount cards from Max Tan.
The Toolbox has to add extra names either before or between his actual name on his Facebook because he thinks it is a quirky conversation starter, and it makes him look intelligently clever. Everyone else knows it is one of the dumbest ideas since the Furby.
The Toolbox also has a guitar, but he only knows one song, and it's "Your Body is a Wonderland." When he is not attempting to sing, he is blaring Nickelback from his Zune Portable. You should further expect this bromantic to wear puka shells for every occasion, use phrases like "baby's momma," and discuss getting "jacked" at the gym.
Hanging with The Toolbox has at least one benefit. He can rarely spend time away from his fellow tools, so he and his Vin Diesel-loving, Von Dutch posse will be out of your hair a lot of the time, unless it's your roommate's turn to hold marathons of The Pick-Up Artist, then you're toast.
2. The She Wolf. For girls, some roommates don't get much better than The Toolbox. My sources tell me the most agonizing female roommate is the She Wolf. Not referring to, but possibly borrowed from the popular, lyrically genius song by that hot ticket, Shakira.
The She Wolf has the behavior combination of Courtney Love, Shannen Doherty, and one of Michael Vick's former fighting dogs. She doesn't have many female friends nor does she have any aspirations to make them because she is too busy plotting against other girls, especially her roommate.
This lycan is not the typical high school mean girl who gossips behind your back to do you wrong. She is the girl who watches you from underneath the bleachers at the varsity football game until she finds an appropriate time to shank you with a dull pocket knife in front of your family. Do not mess with her or "she will abuse you like a coffee machine in an office."
The She Wolf is only semi-attractive, so it is relatively easy for her to prey on most guys, since most men don't have standards anyway. Her rebellious attitude against authority and her callous disregard towards other people's feelings can actually make her extremely attractive to men. She is regularly jamming out to Avril Lavigne songs and dreams of becoming a "Real World" housemother. She may also disappear from time to time to get her shopping fix at the local Wet Seal, so look out!
3. The Possible Murderer. Finally, and certainly the worst roommate is The Possible Murderer. These natural born killers can be male or female and are ordinarily moonlighting as either passionate religious folks or computer nerds.
However, if they are not reciting the Rosary every night, or relentlessly playing "World of Warcraft," there is a strong chance they will turn out to be a raging psychopath. The Possible Murderer always has an unsettling look on his face – like a constipated Tom Green – with a knack for sharpening knives and dirty Skype-ing. Let's just say, if they have an assortment of Chinese throwing stars or are employed at a graveyard, it is safe to say that they are undoubtedly watching you in your sleep.
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