Top 10 lists are usually reserved for the end of the year in publications. You know, like the year-in-review-style writings that popped up in this paper before Christmas break began. Top 10 lists are fun for everyone. You can disagree with the list in suggesting what you believe to be more “top 10 worthy,” and columnists love to write them.
Well, being the unusual type, I want to do my very own top 10 list. Today. In March. It’s not a look back at all the things I wrote about guns in 2009, but you might as well consider this list a close relative to those columns.
And so, without further adieu, I present you the top 10: The most mutton-bustin’, gun-slangin,’ beer-drinkin’ things you might not know (but probably do) about rednecks.
Disclaimer: Some of this might be a little exaggerated, but are based on true events, observations or friends. Many of which I participate in.
1. Rednecks and rodeo will always be associated. That doesn’t mean you have to have ridden a bull or even have gone to the show. But you damn well have better seen the movie “8 seconds” and know why it was titled by a time interval. Bonus points to girls who like rodeo.
2. All rednecks (at least redneck men), either chew (“chaw”) or smoke. If they tell you they don’t do either of them, they are lyin’. Indirect indications of this lie include raspy voice, admiration for the Marlboro man, chew can rings imprinted into jeans back pockets, chew stuck in the teeth, or a protrusion just under the lips on the bottom left or right side. If none of these clues seem apparent, dig deeper. Common evidence in a homestead includes small books of tabaccy coupons, tobacco-related swag and empty packs of smokes and chew tins.
3. Four-wheel drive isn’t an option: It’s a necessity. You don’t really need extra power around Lincoln unless the pesky weather man makes it snow on us again, but that doesn’t matter. You have absolutely no idea of when you might buy that fishin’ boat endorsed by Bill Dance, nor do you know when you will have to stuff the back with a 1,000 pound payload. If these reasons are somehow not good enough, just use your brain! How do you know when it’s going to rain again? Because when it does, there is muddin’ to be had. And if you have one of those small rear-wheel-drive-only pickups? Shoot, at least it’s a truck.
4. Camo is a color, not a random mishmash of brown, green and black tones. ‘Nuff said already, but if you really want to know, this color goes great with anything redneck. The seat covers on my car, hats, hell, almost anything. It turns out it even works pretty well to hide in an environment when you are huntin’.
5. George Strait is the king. If you don’t agree, or somehow don’t even know who he is, there is something wrong with yew, boy.
6. Rednecks reserve their second amendment rights to bear arms. The redneck community is a little overzealous about guns, admittedly, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for other non-rednecks to follow a similar suit.
7. Rednecks actually love animals. They’re delicious. Next time PETA says hunters don’t have a heart (all rednecks hunt), I will point them over to a good friend of mine. He would never think to leave the heart behind as scrap.
8. Beer. Rednecks of both sexes love beer. Why? Let’s just look at one of Alan Jackson’s current hit singles: “Well, I can’t say. It’s just that way.” Sometimes the subject of beer turns into heated fights about which type topples the rest. Coors? Budweiser? Keystone? Busch? Ultimately, there are no winners to be had as long as it’s beer. But drunken times? There is something we can all agree on.
9. You don’t have to be a small-town farmer to fit the redneck stereotype. You don’t have to farm at all, but you better be ready to defend your claim to prefer John Deere over Case IH, son. And if you cannot give a better reason than, “I like the color green a bit more,” you better get that John Deere trucker cap you bought from the Buckle outta here!
10. The guys who live in the trailer homes down yonder are a different group. We don’t talk to them much. Their mullets and pit stains are offensive.
And there you have it, the top 10 things you might not know (but probably do) about rednecks. If this list made you smile and say, “Yeah, I do that/say that,” then as Jeff Foxworthy always says, “You might be a redneck!” If this list offended you, then, I guess, sorry. Maybe we can have a “Beer Summit” at my house and discuss what it was. After all, I am labeled as a redneck all the time. Given my major, how could that be?
Josh Loomis is a senior Fisheries and Wildlife major.
Reach him at joshloomis@dailynebraskan.com.
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