In the realm of stereotypical college journalists, Kyle Citta beams brighter than any other ill-informed and left-leaning hypocrite. His verbiage is trite, his wit is flat, and his information seems to be strung together from the bowels of Ted Kennedy.
Just who the hell does he think he is?
A recent study from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill first reported by Steven Hughes found that Kyle is the most stereotypical college journalist in America. Dr. Penny Abernathy, who headed the study, recounted that "in all my years of studying clichéd people, Kyle stands out as the biggest stereotype of them all. I'm just surprised that the smug bastard hasn't written a column about himself."
Adding, "What a dumb-ass."
The study cited bias and lack of originality as the primary factors determining how stereotyped the candidates were, but other insights were also taken into consideration. Music and movie taste, collegiate area of study and level of disdain for D'leon's Mexican Restaurant were enough to put Kyle over the top.
"His comment that D'leon's is basically a cheaper way to flush out your colon as opposed to a diuretic just screamed pompous and cliché," said Stephanie Hues, a graduate student under Abernathy. "And once we saw Vampire Weekend on the iPod, well, that was really the clincher for us."
Kyle, when asked for a response, expressed a desire to "keep the stereotype alive by not thinking before I write and always calling Americans stupid, even if it has nothing to do with what I am talking about. Because, come on, they are really dumb."
He then remarked, "God, Americans are stupid."
Perhaps more telling about his douchebaggery is the level of arrogance with which he writes. Interjecting insipid details that bear no relevance to the topic at hand while simultaneously stroking his own ego are commonplace. Even the most mundane quips, like how Radiohead are music prodigies, will find a way into his columns.
Of course, the ultimate purpose of critiquing Americans hides in the background of these comments. When asked about this, Kyle replied, "That's ridiculous. How can you make a group like Radiohead into a social evaluation of the state of American intellectualism? It's not my fault if people are too dumb to understand their music."
To get a better insight into the roots of Kyle's contrite persona, Dr. Abernathy and his team conducted massive amounts of psychological research. After hours of discussions, multiple CT scans and a gauntlet of tests, his preoccupation with American stupidity and a propensity for spiraling off into unrelated digressions became obviously clear: Robotic squirrels are slowly taking over society.
In the late 1960s, a secret team of scientists bioengineered the perfect killing machine. Hidden under the guise of ordinary squirrels, the scientists amalgamated a mechanical interface within the physiology of the nut-gathering rodents. The result was an army of robo-squirrels specifically programmed for revolutionary takeover through black op tactics.
These squirrels were meant to infiltrate the highest reaches of opposition governments and install an American-friendly squirrel democracy instead. But sometime in the early 1980s, the squirrels got loose, and thanks to a misplaced semicolon in their programming code, they are now bent on American takeover.
Kyle's answer on how to deal with the squirrel question provides us an extremely liberal and uninformative slant. "I just want them to watch a lot of ‘Arrested Development' and get inside jokes," he said. "Why can't they just accept that the Bluth family doesn't understand how a chicken dances!?"
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The University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill journalism department, in a study intending to find the most stereotypical college journalists, named Kyle Citta, a senior at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, the most stereotypical college journalist in America.
“After months of research and over one million articles read, we finally have results to share to the public. It has long been known that most college journalists have a stereotype of writing columns leaning politically left, being sarcastic in an attempt at satire, that often fails miserably, and making fun of ‘stupid’ America by attempting to be witty but again failing miserably and attempting to understand and write about political debates which they just truly do not understand on any level. We at UNC wanted to find the single college student who had not one shred of originality and was a complete stereotype of college journalists and after much research. We were able to find him. He is Kyle Citta and is a senior at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln,” said Dr. Penny Abernathy, a professor in the College of Journalism at UNC-Chapel Hill who headed the study
“Kyle is the perfect stereotype. He has, on multiple occasions, written articles that lean left, are completely sarcastic without one shred of actual merit or wit, and written derogatory statements toward America that were out of place and actually hurt the flow of the article. I mean, on Sept. 11, he wrote a sarcastic article ‘thanking’ parents for protesting Obama’s speech to students. He not only did not say anything remotely intelligent but also showed that he didn’t even understand why they were really protesting. Also, earlier in the month he wrote an article about the stalling of the “Arrested Development” movie and out of nowhere started talking about how dumb America is. It didn’t even make sense with the article. These are just two of the numerous examples that just show Kyle’s stereotypical ineptitude,” she went on to say.
The study took more than four months to research. It began June 8, this year and ended on Sept. 12. The project was headed by Dr. Penny Abernathy and included four associate professors from the College of Journalism and more than 50 graduate and doctoral students from within the college.
When told of the results of the study, Kyle Citta was happy and said he hopes he has inspired other students to “keep the stereotype alive by not thinking before you write and always calling Americans stupid, even if it has nothing to do with what you are talking about. Because, come on, they are really dumb.”
Steven Hughes
Sophomore Actuarial Science major