You know, there are a lot of myths going on in this messy health care debate. But I'm here to set the record straight: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!
Well, eventually at least; the real question is whether your body will be shrouded with an American flag, or a Nazi swastika. A few heroes have shown us the ugly truth behind the guise of "affordable health care." Heroes like former New York lieutenant governor, Betsy McCaughey, who described an end-of-life counseling provision in the bill as "Euthanasia for the elderly."
I mean honestly people, you don't need counseling if you're about to die. Shut up and take it like a man.
Tanning bed enthusiast John Boehner also chipped in with his take, saying end of life counseling "may lead us down a treacherous path toward government encouraged euthanasia."
And then we have the intellectual-equivalent-of-a-dining-room-table Sarah Palin who incessantly propagated the death panel rumors/truths, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Each of these heroes, however, doesn't let the unsuspecting public in on the truly horrifying reality of this bill. Although McCaughey, Boehner and Palin have gotten the ball rolling, it's time to illustrate other, indisputable facts that comprise this death legislation — or deathslation.
First, health care will be free for all Nazis, seeing as how that's the official party affiliation of each member in the current administration.
Second, we all know the death panel "rumors" are actually truths. But these death panels are an umbrella term that represents a myriad grotesque sub-death panels. For example, there are the bear panels where people too sick to work are coated in pheromones and locked in a room with a giant bear who will, inevitably, maul their face off.
There are also CIA interrogation panels. If you're unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with cancer, then a couple cronies will kidnap you at night, wave a power drill in your face and threaten to rape your mother if you can't convince the cancer to go into remission.
I can only assume that they'll also stage a mock execution of a dying cancer kid in an adjoining room. Very scary stuff.
Another unknown scare, hidden within the 1,000 plus pages of the reform, is a plan to systematically wipe out all Caucasian Americans and replace them with Kenyans. It makes sense once you consider that Obama is an illegal Kenyan who has successfully infiltrated the White House. With this influential position in our government in the hands of a super villain, a discreet eugenics program is surely being implemented as we speak.
A newly added measure to the bill would find individuals who fall behind in their payments automatically referred to Michael Jackson's personal physician for the duration of their care.
And perhaps most shocking of all, there are the terminator panels for anyone who would, for whatever reason, be rendered an immobile quadriplegic. These poor souls would be forced to watch the latest Terminator movie while listening to the Nickelback discography ad nauseam.
A panel such as this would be most harmful to the population as a whole. Look at a man like Stephen Hawking whose contributions to theoretical physics have enriched our knowledge of the universe. If our health care system went to single-payer, then we'd demand that Dr. Hawking forego serious academic research in lieu of a punishing assault on the eyes and ears.
He would have to constantly be reminded that he is half machine as well. A fate worse than death.
A recent editorial in Investor's Business Daily (IBD) found prudence enough to comment on Hawking when it wrote, "People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless."
OK, so forget that IBD screwed up when they forgot that Hawking is a citizen of the United Kingdom and has received medical care from England's single-payer health system, the National Health Service (NHS), for his whole life. There's still a relevant thesis at the heart of IBD's editorial: Hawking would be absolutely screwed in the U.K.
Conveniently, Hawking had this to say about NHS: "I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for the NHS. I have received a large amount of high quality treatment without which I would not have survived."
Did I mention the brainwashing program in our health reform bill? I'm pretty sure I did. Well, the U.K. has that, too.
And then there are the people who will foolishly try to use logic to quash these rumors/facts. Newsweek contributor Sharon Begley recently wrote a column in which she took every "crazy" rumor/fact espoused in the health care debate and rationally juxtaposed it with the "truth."
Many intellectuals quickly rebuffed her coherency. A housewife apparently suggested Begley obtain socialized medicine and die. A retired military curmudgeon called her an "Obama Zombie that had lost touch with reality."
Which brings up another scary provision in the health bill: can we allow for zombie health care? This administration certainly thinks so, even though zombies aren't even technically living. It's another concerted effort by Nazis to create a purely government-run system.
But the curmudgeon is right. People like him and I are the ones completely in sync with reality.
The real lesson to be learned here is that if a politician says something that sounds completely outrageous, then it's always true.
Heil zombies!
Kyle Citta is a senior English, History, Pre Med, Pre Law major. Reach him at kylecitta@dailynebraskan.com.




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32 comments
As for the guys with plans you look it up lazy.
Frankly You seem to suggest that we gut our medical system and surrender one six of our nation's economy and our freedom to a bunch of incompetent clowns in Washington. To provide insurance and deminished health care to 11 million people in a nation of 330 million? Does that make sense to you?
"You've presented a bunch of false or misleading criticisms of Medicare. I'm still waiting to hear the conservative health care plan. All you've presented are misleading attacks against Obama, Democrats, and wildly successful government health care programs like Medicare (which every senior is on) and the VA system (which, by any measure, provides a greater quality of care than our private system.)
What? You Loutz Medicare is going insolvent. And if you think the VA is so good maybe you'd like to be in VA hospital. I know you don't qualify but I have heard such wonderful things about their efficiency. Is right in the level of other government run hospital systems like Cuba the former Soviet Union or Dackow.
The misleading I've seen comes from Obama and the Democratic leadership who have constantly misrepresented this healthcare scheme of theirs and have punctuated it with a steam of lies. The fact is their plan is so unworkable, so inefficient, so threatful to our health and freedom and yet so good for their love of power that the only way they can advocate it is through lies, distortions, falsehoods and personal attacks. I don't have to misrepresent them they do it for themselves.
I wish Obama had you working on this healthcare fiasco of his. You'd get it destroyed in record time
* The Obama plan will make it WORSE, not better. I mean, wanna see government run healthcare? Look at Medicare (insolvent), Veterans Care (poor), Native American Care (poor), and Social Security (insolvent). They can't even run the "Cash for Clunkers" program well.The minority whip sounds sane. Obama's plan is insane, just like a real Joker might promote. Healthcare Should Be Right, Not Just Quick.I mentioned a couple of Conservative plans earlier you don't seem to have read them Tom Coburn has a plan:Our current health care costs are largely driven by government regulations that prevent competition between doctors and insurance companies as well as price fixing for the failing Medicare and Medicaid programs. If people could buy insurance ala carte, and across state lines, the market competition would change the landscape entirely. As it is, federal and state law prohibit both things. Medicare and Medicaid also underpay doctors, which deflates a bit just how bloated and failing they are, and also drives up private insurance costs (because SHOCK, the doctors pass on those costs...).With Medicare, Medicaid, VA, and the Indian Reservations health care systems all failing financially and/or in service, I have no confidence that the fed can control healthcare for the whole nation. Heck, for that matter they couldn't forecast Cash for Clunkers properly by several orders of magnitude (1 week actual vs. 4 months predicted).Combine that with disengenuous statements by our President (telling the lady at the AARP meeting that no one was talking about cutting services from Medicaid when he had just a month previously talked about cutting $300B from Medicaid; videod statements about using "public option" as a trojan horse for single payer, favoring single payer personally, and then saying that he's not making any attempt at single payer; deriding Bush for trying to push through legislation without deliberation and then trying to push through legislation without deliberation; instructing followers to get in the face of their neighbors on the health care issue then complaining about rude tactics by opponents; putting out the word to get after "false grassroots" opponents and then sending out a mass email to all supporters to form grass roots support) and even people who favor socialized medicine and single payer systems should have a bad taste about THIS process.Bobby Jindal has some good ideas:
Those are the words of President Obama. Just how great is the health plan Congress is on? Why do they refuse to take part in their new plan for the country? There must be certain advantages that make it hard to give up. Well, let's take a look.Among the advantages: a choice between 10 health care plans that provide access to a national network of doctors, including numerous HMOs that serve each member's state. (In comparison, 85% of private companies offering health coverage to their employees only offer one type of plan, usually the least expensive, with an option for individual or family coverage.) They also receive special treatment at Washington's federal medical facilities and, for a additional monthly fee, they have access to their own pharmacy and doctors, nurses and medical technicians in the medical office conveniently located between the House and Senate chambers. Other advantages in their coverage are: no exclusions for pre-existing conditions and no waiting periods. As soon as you are hired or begin work you're covered.What else can we add? How about $20 dollar co-pay on office visits, $10 generic drug prescriptions, and immunizations are free. Also if they do use Walter Reed or The Naval Hospital for treatment, much of that is taxpayer subsidized. The cost? The cost for a family plan is a little over $1000 a month, of course taxpayers pay about $700 of that so their total cost for family coverage is around $300 a month. That's less than a new car payment even with the “cash for clunkers” incentive.The plan is such a nice deal that it's offered to the estimated 8.5 million federal workers and their families. To the American taxpayer the price tag is around 15 billion yearly. Now it's easy to understand why Nancy Pelosi and Henry Waxman don't want to include themselves in any public plan they cook up for the rest of us. As a matter of fact, the Federal Plan is exempt from any reform. I love how these people look after the public interest while protecting their own.
Its plain as day that this is not about providing insurance to the uninsured this is about a government take over of our health system through the use of a single payer socialist system and with this control, the Governments control over our lives.
I refer to the plans submitted by the House and the Senate as Obamacare, a term I use because even thought the White House has no plan of its own the President wants a single payer plan and he will sign anything that has a public option. You might think it is "absurd to think that it's the business of the President, under any system, to administrate health care" but Obama doesn't think its absurd and that is what he intends to do. Its clear in the provisons of the proposed bills and it is clear in White House strategy. Don't forget that "Hope and Change" BS. This guy wants to total change this country. A single payer plan administer in this country will need executive supervision. You don't really think Obama wants to be out of the power loop do you? And it really can't be done without him.
"Still waiting to hear that conservative plan for the uninsured. So far it sounds like it's just "they can all screw off and die." I did place alternative plans. But you want to pretend that SIngle payer socialism is the only way. You seem more interested in this fantasy that Obama has the answer. You do realize that he is the major proponent of this insane socialization experiment don't you? I get the impression that you don't nor do you seem to understand the nature and scope of this overreaching piece of garbage.
I say that the private sector is the only alternative because it is. The federal government is reaching bankruptcy in case you didn't notice. It can't afford the programs that it presently is engaging in. In fact the only hope is a massive spending cut probably one third of the 2007 budget.
Obamacare is counterproductive, unworkable, and unsustainable.
You say that I advocate "No choice but to do what our corporate overlords deem best? And you think it's Obamacare that will eliminate freedom? Typically conservative." How ignorant and how naive. Don't you know that Washington and corporate America are in bed in this Healthcare fiasco? Haven't you notice that Obama and company never criticize the pharmaceutical companies? That's because big pharma made a deal with the Democratic leadership. If this "healthcare reform get passed they make a mint and you'll get screwed. Your blind faith in Obama and the Democrats to have your best interests in mind is touching but misplaced and sad. It ignores the the corrupt nature of the Washington power establishment.
Face it Justin Citta Obama is the one whose saying "they can all screw off and die."
I'm glad you agree with me that one sixth of the nations economy will be under federal control and the President as Chief Executive will be the ultimate authority for caring out the will of congress. I'm sure he just can't wait.
By the way does Obama have a health care plan? Answer NO!!!! HE's just parroting plans written by Congress. Does Congress have "a plan for providing healthcare to those who can't afford it?" The answer: NO!!! Their plan will deprive people of health insurance(sixty to eighty million to be exact) and for them to take up substandard health insurance against their will. Besides this isn't about providing insurance this is about power grabs in case you aren't aware.
I can think of a couple of conservative plans The Heritage plan and The Gramm plan. The health industry all needs tort reform to end outlandish lawsuits which raise the price of medical care massively through higher premiums for malpractice insurance and the need for unnecessary test and procedures. Can't help but notice Obama and Congress are strangely silent on that one perhaps its the millions and millions of campaign contributions from the Trial Lawyers. We can also streamline state laws concerning health insurance making the selection of cheaper insurance policies easier.
What we can't do is adopt Obamacare. WE can't afford it. The solution has to come from the private sector. We have no choice.
About this time you might ask yourself: This Obama seems like a smart guy then why would he add this kind of ruinous debt. Why is he agreeing it printing money like its going out of style and setting us up for the worst hyperinflation in our nations history? It doesn't make much sense does it?
One possible reason is that Obama may be using this mountain of debt as a pretext for gargantuan tax increases. This would appeal to him as a means to redistribute the nations wealth. He believes that the wealthy gained their wealth on the backs on the poor, that they got wealthy at he expense of the poorer members of society by stealing wealth from the poor. The way to correct this is to redistribute wealth from those who stole it to those who he determines deserve it. A sort of "social justice".
Furthermore destroying the economy as he is doing allows him the power to reconstruct it according to his vision of "social justice". It doesn't matter to him that such redistribution schemes never work and in this case it will reduce the United States to a third world nation for in his arrogance he feels that he can do the impossible. Like the messiah who turned water into wine Obama thinks that he can magically turn wealth into poverty and somehow from this destruction create what he believes to be a more perfect nation. He believes he can do the impossible and in his hubris he will blindly take us down the path of destruction.GUARANTEED