Glenn Beck, talk show host and political commentator, is the single most intelligent person to ever grace the earth with his presence.
This man of the mind, this gentleman of genius, this bastard of brilliance can do no wrong when his intelligence is put to the test. Whether he is comparing global warming to the systematic deaths of six million Jews or prophesying about the impending apocalypse, 50 percent of the time Glenn Beck is right all the time.
A scholar such as Beck deserves a celebratory pronouncement of his mammoth intellect, and I’m here to give it to him.
During his talk show on April 30, 2007, Beck drew a flawless comparison between Al Gore and Hitler.
“Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them,” he said. “It is the same tactic, however.”
He continues with, “Back in the 1930s, the goal was to get rid of all of the Jews and have one global government … that was Hitler’s plan. His enemy: the Jews. Al Gore’s enemy; the U.N.’s enemy: global warming.”
Some claim that comparing global warming to the holocaust and Al Gore to Hitler are clear examples illustrating the logical fallacy of false analogy—that is, that two things being compared to each other aren’t alike enough to be analogous.
First off, someone who even knows about the fallacy of false analogy is clearly an elitist and therefore can’t be trusted.
Boom, roasted.
Secondly, incremental temperature increases within the atmosphere of the earth are exactly like the methodical destruction of six million Jewish men, women and children. So, if global warming trends are like the mass murder of Jews, then logically, Al Gore must be like Hitler.
I dare anyone to find a logical disconnect in that.
On Nov. 14, 2006, Beck interviewed Minnesota Rep. Keith Ellison who had just become the first Muslim elected to Congress. Beck began the interview by saying, “I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, ‘Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.’” Adding, “And I know you’re not. I’m not accusing you of being an enemy, but that’s the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way.”
The trepidation that Glenn feels is understandable and isn’t prejudice in the slightest. It’s perfectly normal to fear that Muslims will kill you, just like it’s normal to fear that a black person will pull a gun on you. Or it’s normal to be afraid that someone of Japanese descent might fly a plane into a cruise ship or that a European will launch a crusade against you.
Let’s not forget Americans either. Turn your back and they’ll enslave you.
Glenn Beck’s primary fear is that Ellison, a man with Juris Doctor, a volunteer children and teen track coach and a representative in Congress is working with terrorists. This might sound crazy, but it’s a statistical fact that 100 percent of the Sept. 11 hijackers were Muslim. If that’s true, then 100 percent of Muslims could be hijackers. Thus, Beck is correct in assuming that there’s a slight 100 percent chance that Ellison could be a hijacker.
Again, Beck’s logic is sound and our country is safe.
During an appearance on a March 2 segment of “Fox and Friends,” Glenn Beck said that he couldn’t disprove that the Federal Emergency Management Agency has set up concentration camps to house dissidents and establish a “totalitarian rule” in America.
Savvy bloggers were quick to point out parallels between Beck’s comments and the plot of the 1998 movie “The X-Files.” In the film, a conspiracy theorist (Martin Landau) warns FBI Agent Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) that FEMA is plotting to institute martial law, unlawful imprisonments and totalitarian rule so that aliens can overtake the world.
It does sound like Beck ripped off “The X-Files” for his theory, but many government policies come directly from movies. For instance, No Child Left Behind is clearly inspired by “Black Hawk Down.”
After all, leave no man – or child – behind.
Regardless of whether Beck lifted the plot of a 1998 science fiction film for a conspiracy theory, you’ll still be sorry that you didn’t listen to Beck when you’re lying on a surgical bed in a flying saucer awaiting an anal probe.
On a Feb. 20 episode of his show, Beck used a War Room to posit a few mock scenarios showing how bad life could get in America. His scenarios included that in the year 2014 all US banks would be nationalized, unemployment would be at 12 percent, the DOW trading at 2800, the commercial real estate market collapsing and the government and unions controlling most businesses.
One of Beck’s guests, Gerald Celente (CEO of Trends Research Institute), said this of the scenario: “New York City looks like Mexico City [...] we’re gonna see major cities look like Calcutta. There’s going to be the homeless, panhandlers, hookers, petty thieves and we’re gonna see pickpockets.”
Granted, New York already has homeless, panhandlers, hookers and the like. But what boils my blood more than anything is New York becoming Mexico City. First Mexico’s people illegally cross our borders and now you’re telling me its cities are going to illegally enter our country too?
Thank God Glenn warned us of this horror.
Stephen Colbert decided to sully the serious journalism of Glenn Beck by satirizing the War Room with his own Doom Bunker. One of Colbert’s tasteless examples looked at the year 2014 where the DOW is trading below 250; the koala pox epidemic has destroyed most of the world’s livestock and we have a werewolf congress.
Colbert continued with a 2019 scenario in which the US auto industry is gone and all cars are replaced with decepticons. He jokingly added, “I know this sounds like the insane ramblings of a syphilitic brain.”
Perhaps Glenn Beck does have syphilis, would that make him any less right?
Despite his critics, Glenn Beck has become a modern wonder of the world for his intelligence. A March 11 quote sums up Glenn’s brilliant brainpower nicely when he said, “Believe in something. Even if it’s wrong, believe in something.”
I believe in you Mr. Beck.
Kyle Citta is a junior english and pre-med major. Reach him at kylecitta@dailynebraskan.com.
Otherwise it would be safe to assume that you are a member of ASUN who is hiding your name so that your ravings will not appear on some future job resume. A wise precaution.
Twenty years from now Kyle will be starting the night shift at Swiftys Convenience Store, a job he landed after a lengthy career at Barney's Big Belch Burger Barn where Kyle excelled in the art of fryology, another of his many majors.
In his new job Kyle spends his evenings doling out Super Slopies and imparting his unending wisdom on any one foolish enough to say hello or comment about the weather. Kyle gasbags eloquently as the poor unfortunate souls wait impatiently for their change. At last free from their bondage the customers race to the door eyes gazing disgustedly at the ceiling. Many leave quietly chuckling to themselves as they think of the ignorant, disjointed, gibberish that was just inflicted on them. Many wonder what sort of neurological impairment could cause someone to be so intellectually challenged. Others only pity him.Kyle spends his nights mopping the floors, restocking the shelves, and dreaming of the glorious career of greatness that seems to have eluded him. Despite the long history of rejection, and laughter, from those whose door he hoped to seep through on his primary step to greatness (or the fact that many employers now keep a picture of Kyle in their human resources offices with the caption: Do not give this man an interview. If you encounter him call security immediately) Kyle still dreams of the day when he will be Clarence Darrow, William Jennings Bryan, and Murphy Brown all rolled up in one admittedly conflicted but widely recognized Nobel Prize winning genius. Kyle continues to dream the improbable dream: That someone will appreciate his vapid, ignorant, out of touch ideas and his inept stumbling way of expressing them, maybe some maladjusted executive suffering from a nervous breakdown and recently undergoing a divorce will let down his or her guard just long enough for Kyle to get his foot in the door giving him a chance to plague their office as it plunges into the inevitable decline characteristic of any entity foolish enough to give Kyle a position on their staff.
This is the notion that Kyle bitterly clings to. Kyle, the bitter clinger, imagines that someone would in some way have any use for the pathetic, incompetent, ignorance that he so earnestly offers.
Mercifully this is the night that Justin, a paranoid schizophrenic, chooses to shop at Kyle's store. Justin, who refuses to take his medication because he sees medication as part of a vast right wing conspiracy instigated by George W. Bush and carried out by Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, the Republican Party, and Fox News, shuffles into Kyle's store. Twitching uncontrollably and talking loudly to himself, Justin grabs a Slim Jim and gyrates in a meandering pattern (a strategy to confuse conservatives) towards the counter. When he hears that the price of a package of Slim Jims has gone up twenty five cents he burst into a tirade cursing this as another example of Bush's evil designs on humanity; just another example of the right wing conspiracy to deprive Americans of their right to mono sodium glutamate.
Kyle, overcome with these truths and the realization that he has met a kindred spirit readily agrees. Immediately Justin is troubled by the prospect that someone would actually agree with him. Obviously Kyle is plotting against him. So he whips out a .38 snub nose and even though he does not condone the ownership of handguns or the use of concealed weapons, Justin shots Kyle.The next day a two sentence obituary appears in the local paper.No one reads it.
.
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United States
Of America
I am the flag of the United States of America.
My name is Old Glory.
I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's halls of justice.
I fly majestically over institutions of learning.
I stand guard with power in the world.
Look up and see me.
I stand for peace, honor, truth and justice.
I stand for freedom.
I am confident.
I am arrogant.
I am proud.
When I am flown with my fellow banners,
My head is a little higher,
My colors a little truer.
I bow to no one!
I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped - I am saluted.
I am loved - I am revered.
I am respected - and I am feared.
I have fought in every battle of every war for more then 200 years. I was flown at Valley Forge, Gettysburg, Shiloh and Appomattox.
I was there at San Juan Hill, the trenches of France,
in the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome and the beaches of Normandy.
Guam, Okinawa, Korea and KheSan, Saigon, Vietnam know me.
I'm presently in the mountains of Afganistan and the hot and dusty deserts of Iraq and wherever freedom is needed.
I led my troops, I was dirty, battleworn and tired,
But my soldiers cheered me and I was proud.
I have been burned, torn and trampled on the streets of countries I have helped set free.
It does not hurt for I am invincible.
I have been soiled upon, burned, torn and trampled in the streets of my country.
And when it's done by those Whom I've served in battle - it hurts.
But I shall overcome - for I am strong.
I have slipped the bonds of Earth and stood watch over the uncharted frontiers of space from my vantage point on the moon.
I have borne silent witness to all of America's finest hours.
But my finest hours are yet to come.
When I am torn into strips and used as bandages for my wounded comrades on the battlefield,
When I am flown at half-mast to honor my soldier,
Or when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving parent
at the grave of their fallen son or daughter,
I am proud.
May I fly proudly for another two hundred years.
United States
Of America
I am the flag of the United States of America.
My name is Old Glory.
I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's halls of justice.
I fly majestically over institutions of learning.
I stand guard with power in the world.
Look up and see me.
I stand for peace, honor, truth and justice.
I stand for freedom.
I am confident.
I am arrogant.
I am proud.
When I am flown with my fellow banners,
My head is a little higher,
My colors a little truer.
I bow to no one!
I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped - I am saluted.
I am loved - I am revered.
I am respected - and I am feared.
I have fought in every battle of every war for more then 200 years. I was flown at Valley Forge, Gettysburg, Shiloh and Appomattox.
I was there at San Juan Hill, the trenches of France,
in the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome and the beaches of Normandy.
Guam, Okinawa, Korea and KheSan, Saigon, Vietnam know me.
I'm presently in the mountains of Afganistan and the hot and dusty deserts of Iraq and wherever freedom is needed.
I led my troops, I was dirty, battleworn and tired,
But my soldiers cheered me and I was proud.
I have been burned, torn and trampled on the streets of countries I have helped set free.
It does not hurt for I am invincible.
I have been soiled upon, burned, torn and trampled in the streets of my country.
And when it's done by those Whom I've served in battle - it hurts.
But I shall overcome - for I am strong.
I have slipped the bonds of Earth and stood watch over the uncharted frontiers of space from my vantage point on the moon.
I have borne silent witness to all of America's finest hours.
But my finest hours are yet to come.
When I am torn into strips and used as bandages for my wounded comrades on the battlefield,
When I am flown at half-mast to honor my soldier,
Or when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving parent
at the grave of their fallen son or daughter,
I am proud.
May I fly proudly for another two hundred years.