There is a disgusting lifestyle permeating the moral fabric of our great society
This lifestyle is openly flaunted in the streets, in the schools and in the community. It’s destroying traditional homes and families; crumbling the very foundations that this country was founded on and it’s creating a new Sodom and Gomorrah in America.
I speak, of course, about the abominable lifestyle choice of being fat.
For the life choice that many supposed “Christians” make in this regard, it seems only fitting that we band together to create Anti-Fat People Legislation, or AFPL. Only through legal recourse can we be sure to stop the spread of this detestable stain on humanity’s soul.
Of all the sins in the Good Book, none is as vile and troubling as that of gluttony. Gluttony, or the act of overeating and lusting after food, enjoys a rich place in the canon of Christian sins. But in this darkening hour of our times, this damnable and delicious evil is being pushed into the background.
It’s apparent that the Bible condemns gluttony as immoral. Ezekiel relates that a sin of Sodom’s was “fullness of bread.” Proverbs takes an active stance on the matter in a couple places: once in 23:2, “And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite,” and again in 23:21, “For the drunkard and the glutton shall come to poverty: and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags,” making a clear distinction between overeating and drunkenness.
The New Testament even takes a stance against the succulence of gluttony in Philippians 3:18-19 “They are enemies of the cross of Christ, whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things.”
Pope Gregory the Great would later identify gluttony as one of the seven deadly sins in the sixth century, revising a fourth century list of “evil thoughts” from monk Evagrius Ponticus.
It’s scrumptiously clear: God hates fats.
And yet, gluttony runs rampant in our society. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention put 66 percent of adults in the “sinners” category – that is, considered overweight or obese. And if you think this is just a West Coast lifestyle, think again. The CDC considers 26 percent of Nebraskans “extreme sinners,” or to put it mildly, obese.
The major aim of creating and passing AFPL is to combat the ill effects society reaps when it accepts this savory lifestyle. After all, being overweight is simply unnatural, even though many animals are overweight – but this is easily explained by their sinful natures. And just because an animal is overweight doesn’t man that human beings should be.
Simply put, if the Bible condemns it – so should our society. A moral society simply cannot function properly if it accepts overweight people.
And let’s say we do openly accept fat people and let them flaunt their obscene culture; where would it end? This scrumptiously wicked lifestyle will impress itself upon normally righteous individuals. Soon, everyone will be eating all kinds of crazy things like tables, churches, breakfast nooks and children.
We cannot sit idly by while the fat lobby tries to eat our babies. AFPL will ensure that our babies are safe, our breakfast nooks are secure and we don’t delve into the debauchery of animalism.
The proposed legislation is simple: first we must forbid the overweight from adopting children. Their gluttonous lifestyle will undoubtedly rub off onto their kids – causing them to be gluttonous as well.
We simply can’t afford for tasty, young, impressionable minds to think that being fat is acceptable in the eyes of the Lord.
Secondly, we must limit or dissolve all benefits shared by fat people in marriage. This will undoubtedly cause many fats to rethink their indecently delectable ways and hopefully convert to a life free from the frosted bonds of gluttony.
Lastly, any existing “marriages” between the overweight must be nullified immediately. Just as the Biblical condemnation of homosexuality is expressed through the rejection of gay marriage, so should we follow suit. We can’t be nit-picky on the commands of the Lord; we must either oppress each and every one of his mouth-watering dislikes or none at all.
There will always be a few dissenting voices to these changes; a resounding cacophony of noise preaching acceptance and chastising our ignorance. I can hear the excuses now, with such outcries as: “But I have high blood pressure!”
A likely story.
“But I have a glandular disorder!”
Sorry, that’s not in the Bible.
“But I’m prone to obesity through genetics!”
Never heard of it.
The goal of AFPL is not to subjugate the overweight, only to put the best interest of our palatable society first and foremost. It’s unfortunate that those who remain overweight refuse to convert themselves into thin people, for a culture that accepts the condemnations of the Lord will surely not survive.
Even great leaders like the late Jerry Falwell – who dedicated his wonderfully luscious life to the Lord – have their hypocrisy. His commitment to combating homosexuals, women and fetuses as well as his suggestion during an interview with Pat Robertson that the Sept. 11 attacks were “probably what we deserve” are commendable.
But unfortunately he was overweight and therefore a glutton, so his soul is undoubtedly in hell at this moment.
The exquisiteness of gluttony has been ignored and tolerated by society for far too long. If our great nation wishes to continue its existence, it is imperative that we push AFPL. Combating this moral imperfection within our society will require faith, righteousness and a whole lot of liposuction.
May God have mercy on our cream-filled souls.
Kyle Citta is a junior pre-med and english major. Reach him at kylecitta@dailynebraskan.com
CITTA: Action needed against gluttons, obese people
Published: Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Updated: Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Maybe you misunderstood what I said. I never said that we should ignore what the Bible has to say about gluttony. I'm challenging this article in its attempt to make a mockery of the issues surrounding obesity and what the Bible says about gluttony/laziness, and drunkenness. All of these are obviously serious issues, and to make light of them in this manner is what is disrespectful. I have no idea what you are assuming of me, since you don't really state it, unless you mean that I 'partake' of being obese (this is my best guess). No, I am not obese. Rather, I am quite the average height and weight (your apologies are accepted). I also never made any sort of attack on homosexuality, unless you are also assuming that my dislike of his attack on Christianity and obesity/homosexuality is a direct attack on homosexuals. While I'm not upset at you for nit-picking at my grammar (for I would have nit-picked at Citta for the same, and could do the same to you, since you did not display a fault-less mastery of grammar as you would like to think), I would first like to defend myself by admitting that I do not do a lot of writing, and am by no means perfect with my prose and would never claim to be. Secondly, I would like to nit-pick at your math skills. I spend more of my time doing math than writing (which I will assume that you are the opposite; I apologize if I am wrong). You pointed out that I 'rambled incoherently' in the second paragraph. Unless you in fact do mean that my second paragraph is the short one where I say "You are making a fool of yourself" is the one in which I rambled on, despite the fact it is only two lines, and to the point, then you miscounted. The longer, more 'rambly' paragraph of mine is the third one. Next, I would like to ask you a question about the church you attend, and your reasons for doing so. You claim that you find your church to be ridiculous to stand against homosexuals. This makes me suppose that you do not believe what your church believes, but rather think your church foolish for having this stand. I'm glad you attend church. (I by no means have a stellar attendance record on Sundays). Nonetheless, why go to a church if you don't share the faith it preaches? If you do not believe what the Bible has to say then why do you claim to belong to a church that preaches it? My last question directly to you: what do you stand for on the issue of faith?I did not condemn homosexuality, though I believe it is wrong according to my faith and what the Bible says. I'm no champion of the Scriptures, but believe they are to be taken quite literally and that it is not to be something that adapts to our current culture. Though it is to be taken literally, we should not take things out of context, and twist around its teachings, and attack and ignore the things we do not wish to hear. Gluttony is a problem today, but it is not something that most Christians probably feel as an imminent and direct attack on their faith. This being my opinion, the recent 'progress' amongst the homosexual community I would think feels like a much more direct threat to Christians, and therefore is singled-out above other items, which unfortunately do get ignored. Obesity is a major issue today, which does stem quite a bit from a gluttonous, lazy culture and should not be taken lightly or made into a mockery. Mr. Citta should not have tried to make the Bible look foolish for speaking against a gluttonous, lazy, drunken lifestyle as it has led countless people to lose much (if not everything, including their life). I reiterate my challenge to Mr. Citta to disprove that a gluttonous, obese 'lifestyle' has many negative side effects. If he can do this, then he can attack the Bible further for speaking un-truths about this lifestyle that we should readily embrace and accept, as some would say he may be suggesting by the sarcasm that has saturated his writing.
(hmm...what happened to the cartoon that used to be in this link?)
I love your writing style.Go gay marriage!