ROOT: Top jackasses of 2011; Too many make the list

Wow, 2011 was a wild year. Cool things happened this year, like Seal Team Six kicking ass and killing Osama bin Laden, Mississippi rejecting a really stupid abortion law and Don't Ask Don't Tell getting repealed. Unfortunately, there were a lot of jackasses — even here in Nebraska — who sought to ruin things for everybody.

So, readers, it's that time of year again when we ridicule the hell out of these awful people. And for the first time, we're going to have dishonorable mentions on this list as there were so many jackasses, 10 couldn't contain everyone!

Dishonorable mentions: Dr. Pepper, for airing an advertisement that said its new product, Dr. Pepper Ten, isn't for women. Then the ad spouted off this gem, "Keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks." I'm not drinking Dr. Pepper again until all its products are for women.

Ndamukong Suh, for already being the dirtiest player in the NFL, already. We all saw that helmet shake and stomp during the Thanksgiving game. You're making Nebraska look bad. Clean it up.

Gov. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.), for demanding an apology from a critic, who happened to be a high school student. The teenage girl, Emma Sullivan, tweeted Brownback sucks. She may be right about that. At least Brownback had the balls to apologize.

10. TIE - Attorney General Jon Bruning and Gov. Dave Heineman

Bruning is here because he equated people on welfare to raccoons in a speech. Poor people aren't animals. Poor people are PEOPLE. Such insensitivity and stupidity speaks volumes about how he'll treat Nebraskans, if he's elected to the Senate. Yeah, I'm scared too.

Gov. Heineman, for acting like the most helpless politician ever. Nebraskans protested the Keystone XL pipeline's path over the Ogallala Aquifer from the get-go. (Otherwise we wouldn't have collectively lost our shit during that "pipeline" ad at the Husker game earlier this season.) Gov. Dave Heineman, what are we paying you for? It's certainly not wringing your hands and acting like a doofus.

9. John Cook

In case you missed it, Lauren Cook, John Cook's daughter and setter for the NU volleyball team, broke a motorcyclist's leg while she was driving on a suspended driver's license. She didn't stop after she hit the motorcyclist. Here's what Coach Cook said in response to the scandal: "Days like this, I wish my kid was a sorority girl. This wouldn't probably be a big deal."

If a genie were to pop out at that instant and grant that wish, wouldn't it make more sense to say, "I wish my daughter hadn't been driving that day"? Just sayin'.

8. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius

The FDA approved Plan B, emergency contraception, for girls under the age of 18. The agency said Plan B is safe. But Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius decided to make sure young women under 18 weren't able to get emergency contraception over the counter. Sebelius said, "a 10-year-old or 11-year-old going to a drugstore would be able to, alongside bubble gum or batteries, be able to buy a medication that potentially, if not used properly, can have an adverse effect." Yeah, because a large number of 10-year-olds are having sex! Be afraid, America. Of course Sebelius added, "If the application were approved, the product would be available, without prescription, for all girls of reproductive age." What's wrong with that? No one should be forced to have an unwanted pregnancy.

7. Gov. Rick Perry (R-Tex.)

By now you've probably seen the commercial and the crazy shit Perry said. If not, here's the kicker, "But you don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school." Perry also claims that Obama has been waging a war on religion and attacking religious heritage. And by religion Perry means Christianity. And by war, Perry means not treating Christians as better than any other faith. By Perry's rhetoric you'd think Obama would be throwing Christians to large prides of lions.

The good news is that if Perry's right-wing insanity wasn't totally apparent before, now it is.

6. Gov. Scott Walker (R-Wis.)

Walker took away collective bargaining rights for all public employees, except police and firefighters. Collective bargaining in a nutshell, is the idea that a group of people (a union) can get together and say, "Hey, we need better pay/working conditions/work hours/whatever" to their employer. Then the employer and the union can negotiate terms.

By taking collective bargaining away, Walker is in effect saying, "Don't like your working conditions? Too bad! You're stuck with them! Muwhahaha!"

5. Shane Webber

This guy is a real piece of work. Shane Webber cyber-stalked his own girlfriend for three years! Three years! How someone can act like this I haven't the slightest idea. There is no excuse for such behavior.

I hope the ex-girlfriend finds someone who treats her well. As for Webber, well, I hope that his computer melts off his face and hands.

4. TIE- Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Herman Cain

We'll never know the full story here, but this much is for sure: Strauss-Kahn and Cain handled it in the media about as poorly as one could. Dominique Strauss-Kahn was the head of the International Monetary Fund. He was accused of raping a hotel maid, named Nafissatou Diallo. The case was dropped because Diallo's credibility was called into question. On a related note, DSK was been allegedly tied to a hooker ring.

Herman Cain, is in a similar boat. Multiple women have come forward and said Cain sexually harassed them during his time at the National Restaurant Association. He's also accused of having a 13-year extramarital affair. Stay classy.

3. TIE- Anders Behring Breivik and Jared Loughner

Going on a mass killing spree of innocent people isn't OK.

2. Congress- Oh, Congress, you silly jackasses, don't you know that pizza isn't a vegetable? People in this country are affected by your idiotic actions and inability to work together. We're depending on you to help the people. We're depending on you to stimulate the economy. To help those who are in messy situations. And of course, help out poor college students. We are the future, don't you know? If you don't, well, elections are coming soon. Hopefully voters will find more responsible people to elect into office.

1. Penn State administration

If you knew or suspected someone of raping children, you'd call the police, wouldn't you? The Penn State administration didn't call the police. One man, Mike McQueary, witnessed an alleged assault in the showers. He called his father. He didn't call the police. Joe Paterno didn't call the police after McQueary told him. Paterno told the athletic director, Tim Curley. Curley didn't call the police, either. This inaction isn't the same thing as Jerry Sandusky's alleged actions of using his own charity to molest children, however, it's equally heinous.

These actions are unacceptable. They are a moral failing of the highest degree.

When we elevate a sport to such a high status, and give those within it god-like statuses, society sets itself up for trouble. Abuse of power is more common when people believe they're infallible. We need to seriously re-evaluate how we treat athletes and coaches. They're not gods. They're just regular folks.

Under normal circumstances, this end of the year column would recommend some outrageous punishment, like feeding Tony Hayward to a shark, for the top jackass. Not this year, readers. Here's what I'd like to see happen for the victims: Penn State should foot the bill for each of the victim's college educations, to any institution they want to go to and for how ever many degrees that person wants. I'd also like to see Penn State foot the bill for therapy sessions for all the victims who want them.

Well, that's the year in jackassery. Let's hope next year's jackasses won't be nearly so awful.

Rhiannon Root is a senior news-editorial and history major. Follow her on Twitter @rhiannonroot and reach her at rhiannonroot@dailynebraskan.com.