Since Thanksgiving is over, it’s time to move on to the next big holiday: Christmas. With Christmas comes copious amounts of holiday parties full of sequined dresses and towering heels with the inevitable blisters that follow.
These parties can range from office get-togethers to full out “The Great Gatsby” shindigs at your grandparents’ house. Most of the time, you probably would much rather be relaxing at home. It can be difficult to come up with an outfit that tricks the host of the party into thinking that you’re actually having fun and not really daydreaming about the riveting science fiction novel you’re halfway through lying on your coffee table at home.
Thankfully, I’m a master of disguise when it comes to comfortable party ensembles. Here are three outfits that will fool any eggnog-inebriated party host into thinking you’re the life of the party while matching your current anti-party inner thoughts.
For when you really just want a nap
Say you worked a double shift at a bar in the Haymarket and just got off. The whole day you were excited to go home and take a nice five hour nap, but then your boss informs you that there will be a Christmas party in a couple hours at a fancy restaurant. Your boss also tells you that you must go or you won’t receive your holiday bonus.
Chug a Red Bull and then put on a fluffy, gray knit sweater, fur-lined gray slacks, white fur-lined fashion sneakers and a long coat. Also, add futuristic sunglasses to hide the eye bags and elevate the look.
After a couple hours of pretending to not be sleeping while standing up and laughing at your boss’ dad jokes, grab that Christmas bonus check and skedaddle home.
For when you’d rather be eating a whole box of pizza
You’re super hungry, but your significant other is coming to pick you up in 20 minutes to take you to his parents’ holiday party. You don’t have time to eat the five course meal you’ve been imagining. Thankfully, there will be plenty of food at the party. You’ll need an outfit that has an expandable waist for all the hors d'oeuvres you’ll be gobbling down and an outfit that has extra pockets to slip stray muffins into.
Your lover’s family will think you're sophisticated and stylish, while you’re really just eye-balling all the small cakes and miniature hot dogs.
For when your spa night plans get replaced with partying
You were all set for a relaxing night in the hot tub. You had a music playlist put together and a face mask ready to go. As you are a second away from pouring a glass of white wine, your best friend calls and begs you to come over to her Christmas party. You’re a best friend, so you can’t refuse, and you grudgingly put down the wine and slip on an outfit.
As soon as your bestie gets distracted by something at the party, slip away into the night and return to your house and the awaiting bubble bath.
Make sure to remind everyone at any party you're forced to attend that they owe you at least an extra glass of wine — if you’re of age — or some sparkling grape juice. And maybe become so obnoxious, they think extra hard about inviting you to another holiday party.