Devout readers, I have tasted the mighty noodle of God - and He is by far, the most delicious deity around.

I belong to a growing population of religious truth-seekers who have found the answer to all of life's questions. This revelation comes from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And we have all been touched by His Noodly Appendages.

I'm here to spread the word of His noodly glory and implore that our theory be taught in science classrooms as an alternative to some dubious proposals, such as evolution.

FSM rose to mainstream attention in 2005 as the Kansas State Board of Education considered teaching Intelligent Design in their classrooms.

Our modern prophet, Bobby Henderson, proposed this other, more scrumptious, alternative for the Board's consideration. Clearly, if ID could be taught, His Noodly Glory deserves consideration as well.

In a detailed note to the Kansas Board of Education, Henderson detailed the basic beliefs of this logical religion. Disciples of FSM, or pastafarians, believe that God is a giant, invisible spaghetti dinner with two meatballs in Its center. According to the Gospel of the FSM, the universe - and all we know within it - was created after a night of heavy drinking by the Spaghetti Monster - a practice regularly reenacted on college campuses all across the country.

Henderson continued to assert the rationality of FSM by detailing specific evidence that proves the existence of this invisible carbohydrate creator. It's clear that the FSM hid dinosaur fossils within the earth in an attempt to throw off human beings, as well as test our faith regarding His Exquisite Noodliness.

Pastafarianism also explains complex scientific phenomena like gravity, and can easily overcome pesky obstacles like radiocarbon dating. The phenomenon we call "gravity" is more accurately described as "intelligent falling." Intelligent falling holds that whenever an object is released, the illusion of free fall is actually due to the FSM intentionally pushing the objects down with His Invisible Noodly Appendage.

Skeptics challenge the Church's assertions that the universe cannot be as young as we claim. They cite fancy shmancy, "radiocarbon dating" as proof. When a scientist observes the decay of a Carbon-14 atom to Nitrogen-14, they believe they can calculate the age of the atom using Carbon-14's half-life and some sketchy calculus.

Personally, it all sounds like devil worship to me. Has anyone ever proven that Newton wasn't a witch?

Radiocarbon dating is easily disproved by the unquestionable fact that whenever a scientist measures these conditions, the FSM is right there, manipulating the original results using His Noodly Appendage.

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism also has a much more palpable alternative to the afterlife. There's still room for a traditional heaven and hell, but the FSM heaven is a magical place brimming with beer volcanoes and a stripper factory.

Hell actually isn't much different - just that the beer is stale and all the strippers have VD.

Bobby Henderson's work catapulted FSM from a relatively unknown theory to a rich and savory legitimate scientific alternative. But FSM needs more attention, and it needs more pastafarians to join the conquest. The Kansas letter cites as many as 10 million adherents, but my estimates put that number closer to 100 billion.

All that pastafarians are asking for is that our alternative theory be indoctrinated into all of our students. The Church of the FSM has absolutely no problems with teaching the "theory" of evolution, but we implore that other, equally rational views be taught - like the intelligent creation of life from a heaping pile of spaghetti.

Pastafarianism will flourish only if everyday people preach the delicious news. An excellent place to start is with the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which is available in stores or online.

The Gospel recounts Mosey the Pirate who received the ten "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" from the Spaghetti Monster atop Mount Salsa. However, the ten were soon reduced to eight after Mosey dropped two while descending the mountain.

These eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" contain some revolutionary ideas. One even boasts that the Spaghetti Monster would "really rather you didn't build multimillion-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to [His] Noodly Goodness when the money could be better spent ending poverty, curing diseases, living in peace, loving with passion and lowering the cost of cable."

There will be those who reject our claims because they lack scientific credibility. But just because FSM teachings can't be empirically tested using the scientific method doesn't mean it isn't science.

FSM tends to agree with ID on this point: the scientific method has absolutely nothing to do with science.

And for those who would argue that FSM is absurd: Can you prove that Jesus is not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? The Web site posited this very challenge with a $250,000 reward on the line.

No one has been able to prove otherwise.

In the words of our prophet, Bobby Henderson: "I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; one third for intelligent design, one third for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism and one third for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."

It's certainly a brave new world, and I know that He and His Noodly Appendage will guide us toward greater indoctrination.


Kyle Citta is a Junior English and pre-med major. Reach him at