Larry the Cable Guy gained some success as a stand-up on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour with the likes of Jeff Foxworthy.
His new "Right To Bare Arms" tour brings him to Pershing Center tonight for a show at 8. Tickets are $40.75. I talked to Larry about bears, Shania Twain, and whom he could beat up.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY:
Billy DeFrain? You related to that guy in that prison movie?
DN: No. He's fictional. I'm real.
LTCG: He seems real.
DN: He's not. I'm guessing this is Larry?
LTCG: That's me
DN: Can I call you Lar-Bear?
LTCG: You call me whatever you want to, brother, whatever you like. Gas prices are getting expensive. I saw a street gang do a walk by.
LTCG: Come on, that was funny.
DN: No, I chuckled. I gave a little chuckle. So, you advocate the right to bare arms, what about the right to bear arms, you know, like bears?
LTCG: The right to bear arms? What the hell does that mean?
DN: You know, like bears.
LTCG: I'm all for them. I'm all for bears. I'm a big bear advocate. Any time I can help the bears, I'll do it.
DN: Yeah. Bears are funny. Why do they like honey so much?
LTCG: (laughs) 'Cause it's sweet and delicious, and good on toast.
DN: It is good on toast.
LTCG: A little butter and honey, it's good.
DN: Sometimes I eat an English muffin with butter and sugar on it.
LTCG: Really? Sounds delicious.
DN: Why do people think you're funny?
LTCG: Uh - why do people think I'm funny? You know what, 'cause they got the same sense humor as I do, I guess. A better question is why do people think Janeane Garofalo is funny? 'Cause they think she's funny. I can't explain it.
DN: What have you been trying to "git" done?
LTCG: Let's see, I've been trying to git done writing my new jokes. Evidently they're not very good; you only chuckled at it.
(At this point I hear a beeping noise in the background)
DN: What's that beeping noise?
LTCG: That's my wife going through the gates. It's the security system.
DN: Does an alarm always go off when she comes home?
DN: How long does it usually take to git er done?
LTCG: Uh - it depends. You know what, that really depends on what you're doing. The average is about seven minutes and 24 seconds.
DN: What are you basing that on?
LTCG: All the things I've done. They all take seven minutes and 24 seconds.
DN: That sounds like fun. Who doesn't like fun?
DN: No, seriously, who doesn't like fun?
LTCG: Uptight white people.
DN: What's Jeff Foxworthy like in person?
LTCG: In person, he's a small black man.
DN: What's his moustache like in person?
LTCG: His moustache in person? It, uh, houses a Mexican family of five.
DN: What are your feelings about moustaches in general?
LTCG: They're OK. It depends. If they're with a goatee, they're good, if not, they look kind of gay. Except for Gene Shallot.
DN: How often do you wear sleeves?
LTCG: When the temperature drops under 40.
DN: Has the advent of satellite TV affected your career as a cable guy?
LTCG: Uh, uh, yes, in the fact that - (laughs) Has it affected that I'm cable guy? Being that I was never a cable guy, I could give two shits about it. I like satellite better anyway.
DN: You were on the blue-collar tour, right? Do you think a white-collar comedy tour would be successful?
LTCG: No, 'cause I wouldn't be on it. I wouldn't know. All white-collar people are too uptight and politically correct. They'd have to analyze every joke before they laugh at it. A polka dot tour, that'd be awesome. Flannel. That's kinda blue-collar. Cinnamon would be a good tour.
DN: Cinnamon's a roll, actually.
LTCG: It'd make good mouthwash.
DN: Do you think you could beat up Larry David?
LTCG: I wouldn't want to beat up Larry David, I like Larry David. I wouldn't want to beat anybody up. Larry David's a genius, funniest man on TV.
DN: What about Larry Csonka?
LTCG: You know what? I could outrun him; his legs are pretty shot. If he caught me he could beat me up.
DN: So you're from Nebraska? Some people complain about our license plate designs, which is pretty stupid. What would you put on a Nebraska license plate?
LTCG: What would I put on a Husker plate? I'm a Husker kiss my ass. That would be the official design.
DN: What do you think about Harriet Miers as a Supreme Court nominee?
LTCG: Uh, don't even know her, no opinion.
DN: Do you know what the two most commonly asked questions in a job interview are?
LTCG: What do think of Harriet Miers, and who's your favorite white-collar comedian.
DN: Actually, they're "where do you see yourself in five years" and "what is your biggest weakness?" I heard that on John Tesh's radio show.
LTCG: What were you doing listen to John Tesh's radio show?
DN: I don't want to go into that right now. So, where do you see yourself in five years?
LTCG: Inside Shania Twain.
DN: So like at the Grammy's or something, inside Shania Twain?
LTCG: At the Country Music Awards, inside Shania Twain.
DN: What is your biggest weakness?
LTCG: Shania Twain.
DN: Anything else you want to tell me?
LTCG: I had three people taking my picture in a toilet stall yesterday. Instead of paparazzi, I have pooparazzis. Here's some lovemaking advice. If you're with a woman it's important to pleasure her. You want to make sure that when she's at that point, you want to be tactful and never say, is it soup yet?