Editor’s note: The Daily Halfasskan is the Daily Nebraskan's annual joke issue published on April Fool's Day. The articles published in the Halfasskan are meant for entertainment purposes only and are by no means to be taken seriously. Any use of or similarities to real people or events, save public figures and events, are accidental and purely coincidental.
Eight months ago, Nebraska wrestling made waves in the gay porn industry after two of its members posed and performed for Web site Fratmen.tv.
Today, they’re stirring up the same kind of excitement – on purpose.
The Cornhuskers announced plans to unveil a new 12-month calendar featuring the wrestling team’s starters in provocative positions – but not much else.
Nebraska’s decision to follow the same path that led to the dismissals of two wrestlers last August has drawn intense scrutiny from critics.
But Athletic Director Tom Osborne said fans of the university’s sports programs should appreciate the athletic department’s efforts to remain financially independent.
“It’s about money, first and foremost,” Osborne said. “In this economic climate, morality and other idealistic concepts are obstacles more than anything.
“You know, the buck stops here. Always will. But in this case, the buck isn’t quite getting here. So this is one of the solutions we’ve devised to bring the buck back here so we can stop it.”
When asked whether he felt the athletic department should be expected to adhere to the same rules of integrity as the university itself, Osborne chuckled, then sipped his apple martini.
“This is nothing new. We’ve been cashing in on cash-strapped student-athletes for decades. But all of a sudden we switch from a football field to a calendar and there’s ethical issues?”
Wearing a velvet turtleneck, the light gleaming off his five national championship rings, Osborne said the football team’s recent struggles have meant less money for all athletic programs.
As long as the economic recession lasts, lesser-known programs will need to be inventive to maintain their current budgets, according to Osborne.
Plans are already in place for other sports.
The volleyball team has launched a service retrieving lost items and pets from trees.
The women’s gymnastics team intends to sponsor dominatrix raffles.
And the football team, according to Osborne, is holding donations-only seminars educating individuals on legal issues, such as how to win over a jury in an otherwise clear-cut case.
While the new ventures sound gimmicky, Osborne insists they have educational value for those involved.
“Of course we have a lot of student-athletes go on to fulfilling careers after their time here,” he said. “But the honest truth is, not all do, and you’ve got to prepare those individuals for the real world as well.
“For our wrestlers, we offer self-deprecation and the solicitation of their bodies under the guise – er, guidance – of loving and caring mentors. It’s a good environment to let go of your inhibitions.”
Osborne, who was present for the photo shoot, said he’d taken a personal interest in ensuring the calendar was both tasteful and appealing.
“We’re a financially self-sustaining athletic department, and our goal is to keep it that way,” Osborne said. “But to do that, sometimes you’ve got to be adventurous. We’ve got some finely-sculpted young men whose talents outside wrestling are well-known, and we wanted to put those talents on display.”
Sales from the calendar are expected to rake in big dollars for Nebraska, which hopes to live up to its reputation as a university ripe with exhibitionists.
But Fratmen.tv owner John Marsh said the Huskers are robbing the online gay pornography provider of what it’s legally entitled to.
“I’ve seen the negatives,” Marsh said. “You look at those negatives and tell me those aren’t Fratmen.tv poses. Because they are. They’re absolutely gay and absolutely Fratmen.tv originals.”
When asked if he was planning legal action, Marsh was undecided.
“I said yes last time but look how that turned out,” he said. “That Osborne, he’s wily.
“Don’t let his soothing and innocent demeanor fool you. He knows the legalities of the gay porn industry better than anyone.
“What I can say is, if you’re going to go rounds with Osborne, you better bring your bear spray. When he gets crossed, the mama grizzly in him comes out.”
Osborne wasn’t sure what all the calendar will consist of, but he has a good idea.
“We’ve got 10 starters, and we’ll take creative liberties with each,” Osborne said. “Then I feel a coach photo would be prudent.
“And I don’t think we could do this calendar right without including a group photo.”
jonathancrowl@dailynebraskan.com
