DUMP: Four foods to taste before H1N1 sets in

Since the H1N1 epidemic will soon be wiping out civilization, it's time for us all to start thinking about the short amount of time we have left.

My suggestion?

Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll (inserting alcoholism somewhere within those guidelines).

But if jumping into the deep end of addiction is a slightly daunting idea, my advice to you is to eat.

The saying goes starve a fever, feed a cold, but we're all going to die anyway so who's got time to worry about the advice of an old saying.

Just feed that fever, baby.

To help you on your gluttonous adventure I've compiled a list of the four things you HAVE to eat before we all die a slow infectious death.

1) The Gyro: God's unholy gift to the masses. The gyro is possibly one of the most poorly reproduced ethnic foods in our nation of watered down delicacies from around the world. If you've never had one, I've got a few things to tell you.

First of all, if you're reading this while waiting in the "Ethnic Foods" line at Selleck, step away. While mildly capable of fulfilling the standards of the gyro, Selleck simply lacks the capability of recreating the dish to its full luster.

If you want a gyro you need to go to one place, well two places, Ali Baba Gyros and The Gourmet Grill. These two rival restaurants are easy to find. Nestled directly next to each other at the intersection of 14th and O streets, it's easy to walk away from either of these places with a full tummy and a big smile on your face.

2) Pancakes: OK, so pancakes may not seem like the most difficult food to make, and they're definitely not hard to find. But the subtle art of crafting these batter-disks is one that can only be mastered after years of "flipping cakes" day-in and day-out.

Still don't believe me?  Drive over to the Hi-Way Diner on Highway 2 and order a half-stack. You can go any time (after a night of boozing it up isn't a bad idea), as they're open 24-hours.

Yeah, the place is dirty. Yeah, the staff is grumpy. But good God Almighty the food is delicious.

In fact, if you're going to do the gluttony thing you should spend at least three days eating the grease saturated food at the Hi-way Diner; just remember to bring some Pepto and maybe some penicillin.

3) The Chicken Quesadilla: Alright, I know you've all heard of this next restaurant, which makes me almost feel bad to tell you about it. But there's no getting past it, the best place to get a chicken quesadilla in Lincoln is D'Leons. I know, I know, every drunken frat boy on campus has been to D'Leons on a Friday night, but there's definitely a reason.

These things are like hubcaps folded in half and stuffed with melted cheese, chicken and onion.  Dripping in grease, your bowels beg you not eat it, but you will, because it's freakin' delicious.

So step out of your usual #6 burrito, enchilada and rice combo and step into a chicken quesadilla.

4) Chicken Noodle Soup: If the whole world's going to be out of commission with swine flu it's probably a good idea to figure out where the best chicken noodle soup in Lincoln is. Well, prepare to be blown away. If you want the biggest portion of the tastiest chicken noodle soup that's ever touched your tongue then you need to take a little drive to the Vina Plaza at 611 27th St., and pull in to slurp up a bowl of Nguyen Pho's own chicken noodle soup.

Now traditional Vietnamese-style chicken noodle soup may not sound capable of warming that little place in your heart set aside for Grandma's homemade version, but trust me, after one bite of Nguyen Pho's you'll be more than willing to trade in your Granny for the Vietnamese model (don't bother asking for the trade though. I have, and they're not accepting offers).

Just make sure that if you do have swine flu you have a friend go pick the soup up for you.

Also, make sure to stay off the grass. They're particular about their landscaping.

And remember, every surgical mask doubles as a disguise for your post-apocalyptic looting spree.

kyle dump is a sophomore news-editorial and English major. Reach him at kyledump@dailynebraskan.com