My task today is to defend the much-maligned coupled life.
Now, much to the disappointment of my girlfriend, I'm not going to talk about all the sweet things, such as how great it is to be dating my best friend or knowing that someone is always going to be there for me. I mean, sure, all that stuff is true. But nobody wants to read my sonnets and love poems. Instead, I'm going to present the entirely selfish reasons why it rocks to be in a long-term relationship.
First, it is nice not having to worry about "getting some action" whenever I want. (Notice that I've decided to use the eminently undecipherable code of youth in case my parents and/or grandparents happen to read this.)
Now, this might not seem like a big deal for women. I haven't done scientific research on this or anything, but I have a hunch that women could "get some action" whenever they want, provided they lower their standards enough. (I imagine it'd be tough to find Johnny Depp around campus for a midnight score.)
This is not as easy for men. They can lower their standards as far as they want and still strike out. (I have done extensive scientific research on this subject. For the results, please see My Life: Ages 15-18.)
Another plus is that after 2- plus years of dating, I am so far past the stage of trying to impress her that I will probably never need to enter an Abercrombie & Fitch ever again. That is such an amazing relief. In fact, stores of that ilk are dead to me.
Oh, I'll still take clothing from Abercrombie and Fitch as gifts and wear them to look nice from time to time, but it is an amazing relief that shopping there is no longer imperative to me impressing anyone.
Along those same lines, I will never have to obey the common laws of fashion, such as "popping my collar." I thank the good Lord in heaven every single day that I will never have to do this. I will never have to wear my hair fashionably mussed so that it looks like I just got out of bed, but with enough hair gel that not even sleeping on it for eight hours will change the way it looks.
Finally, I will never have to wear double- or even triple- layered collared shirts. I see this all the time in those stores that are dead to me: dummies wearing two- or three-collared shirts at once. That is just hot. No, not aesthetically to girls. I mean, that is physically hot. Have you ever tried wearing three shirts at the same time in a packed house party?
On the flip side of not needing to impress her anymore, I no longer have to be ashamed of who I am and my interests in entertainment. When she comes over to my house, I can leave my comic books, "Star Wars" DVDs and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures laying out in the open. That means no more dust bunnies of shame when I pull them out from under my bed after she leaves.
I save money at parties, too. The days of me handing over a beer for nothing are over. Ladies, your cleavage will no longer get you free drinks off my dime.
And finally, I can judge other girls strictly based on their personalities. Sure, that random girl at a party might look good, but she also might be an idiot. I can fully see the person I don't like shining through the attractive exterior. Or vice versa - I don't want to seem like a total chauvinistic jerk here.
So there you are, the unsung attributes of being in a serious, long-term relationship that they don't make chick flicks about.
