New Releases
DVDs
Catch a Fire
Director: Philip Noyce
Starring: Tim Robbins, Derek Luke
Apartheid is one of those things you can't make fun of, like cancer or Christopher Walken.
Dallas: The Complete Sixth Season
Starring: Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy
Yes, the season J.R. got shot. Shut up.
Facing the Giants
Director: Alex Kendrick
Starring: James Blackwell, Bailey Cave
Praying makes a team win in the movie. Praying in real life does not make the movie go away. God sure is different in the movies.
Farce of the Penguins
Director: Bob Saget
Starring: (voices) Samuel L. Jackson, Mo'nique
Why do people like penguins anyway? They're pudgy, unrepentant killers who have deceptively "tux-like" markings so you never see them coming. Thanks, Bob Saget, for revealing the truth to us through farce.
Flyboys
Director: Tony Bill
Starring: James Franco, Jean Reno
Unfortunately, not a female- centric version of "In Living Color," nor does it involve David Emge from the original "Dawn of the Dead."
I Dream of Jeannie: The Complete Third Season
Starring: Barbara Eden, Larry Hagman
Bonus materials include an explanation of how a Middle Eastern demon could look so Aryan.
Law and Order: Special Victims Unit: The Third Year
Starring: Ice-T, Richard Belzer
Special like unique, or special like Olympics?
Lucky Louie: The Complete First Season
Starring: Louis C.K., Pamela Aldon
It's a parody of lame sitcoms. It aims for lameness, but finds its own unique glory because dammit, every character's life sucks.
The Marine
Director: John Bonito
Starring: John Cena, Kelly Clarkson
From Justin to Kelly to the WWE to direct-to-video. That's only four steps. Wow.
The Motel
Director: Michael Kang
Starring: Jeffrey Chyau, Sung Kang
IMDB.com includes the words "learning about manhood" and "hourly rate motel" in its synopsis. Honestly, though, it's not the right rite of manhood if you learn it in an hourly rate motel, unless crabs is a new rite of passage.
Murder, She Wrote: The Complete Fifth Season
Starring: Angela Lansbury
Results 1-4 of about six for "murder she wrote" + "erotic fan fiction." Sometimes, you really know there is a God, thanks to mounting evidence of people going to hell.
One Night with the King
Director: Michael O. Sabjel
Starring: Tiffany Dupont, Peter O'Toole
The story of Purim, starring Lawrence of Arabia. Has nothing to do with Ann-Margaret or Elvis Presley, but plenty to do with Judeo-Christian heritage.
Open Season
Directors: Jill Culton, Anthony Stacchi
Starring: (voices) Paul Westerberg, Ashton Kutcher
We can only hope now that it's out on video, we'll stop seeing those stupid "be quiet during the movies" things before movies with that damn bear.
CDs
The Alkaline Trio - Remains
The band you've perpetually never actually listened to.
Lily Allen - Alright, Still
Bland but sincere.
Lou Barlow - Mirror the Eye
Mirror the eye of fickle indie kids who have unfortunately forgotten you for some other crap. It's OK, Lou. We still regard you as cool.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Abattoir Blues Tour
Nick Cave - best guy ever, or best guy ever?
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Some Loud Thunder
But clapping and saying yeah only encourages you.
Rory Gallahger - Fresh Evidence
Involves neither hammers nor mumbling.
Art Garfunkel - Some Enchanted Evening
There's nothing enchanting about waking up the next morning with your kidney gone and "Bridge Over Troubled Water" stuck in your head. Art Garfunkel is such a creep.
Norah Jones - Not Too Late
She's Ravi Shankar's daughter. That's pretty cool. If your parents used to smoke a lot of pot, ask them who he is.
Tracy Lawrence - For the Love
The love of what? Faded careers? Same soundy country music?
Madonna - Confessions Tour
I'll confess to slashing my neighbor's tires if you confess to narcissism. Fair trade? This clause should also include me still listening to your songs and dancing
double breaksin my underwear.
- Compiled by Megan Rooney and John Wenz
